


November 2003

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [4]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-17
Packaged: 2017-11-21 08:17:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/595538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark's emotions are up and down concerning his new relationship with Lex. Bruce Wayne comes to visit. Lex breaks up with Clark for his own good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	November 2003

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for season one.

01 November @ 11:27 pm

I spent the day with Lana. We went horseback riding. It was great. I could be myself, and she seemed very comfortable with me. It was nice to hear her laugh, and I had so much fun. She told me that Chloe went to Metropolis for the day. I told her about mending fences with Lex, although I didn't give details.

I have to admit, Lana looked beautiful, and I think I stared a lot. I laughed a lot too. She is funny when she gets going.

I didn't want to pry too much into her private life. She did tell me that for Halloween she and Chloe went to a graveyard and told ghost stories. Then they had a picnic in an abandoned house. It sounds like she had a great time. I stayed home and handed out candy to the little monsters.

I'm really happy for the both of them. A part of me thinks that it would have been nice if something more had happened between Lana and me, but then I wouldn't have Lex. A big part of me is glad I have Lex.

By the time we got back from the ride, it was almost five. I had such a great time. Lana is really nice. I wish we'd gotten to know each other sooner.

Now I'm totally bored. I did my homework at least fifty times. I'm not happy with the essay I wrote for history class. I think I'll have to do it again. I've been hiding since I got back from riding. I'm not in the mood for chores. It's given me a lot of time to think about everything that has been happening to me over the last week.

I haven't seen Lex all day. I want to go over, but I know he has that business meeting stuff going on. Pete hasn't been around lately. I think I'll give him a call tomorrow to see if he wants to do something. 

At dinner my mom talked to me about how to handle it when you like somebody 'like that.' It was weird and made even weirder by the fact that my dad was there too. It was hard to talk about it so I just mostly listened. I mean, it's my mom and I know she's thinking of Lana. There's no way she would every think that I have turned my eyes elsewhere. I didn't correct her. I just nodded and agreed with her. I asked a few questions in all the right places, and she seemed happy with that.

At least they didn't give me more condoms. I haven't even opened the box they gave me the first time we talked.

Anyway, I'm off to see Lex. He spent the day in the city, and I know he was with Mr. Wayne so I think maybe he needs me to help him unwind. I know just what to do.

I just went to tell mom and dad I wanted to go out. They were reading the paper. I think I stayed calm when I saw the picture of Lex and Mr. Wayne on the front of the financial section. My dad made sure to point it out to me. I'm staring at it right now. They are shaking hands, and Mr. Wayne is standing close to Lex. I'm definitely going over to the mansion now.

I will remain calm. I will not run to Wayne's home, and punch him out.

 

02 November @ 02:04 am

I just got back from seeing Lex. It was great! 

I found him in his office lounging on the sofa.

I was so excited to see him that I jumped him. It had been a long time; well, at least more than a day, since I'd last seen him. He smelled so good, and we started making out on the sofa. That is, after I pushed him into it. I couldn't stop myself. I was so excited, and he was so excited. I almost ripped his shirt off. Actually, I destroyed it I think. He didn't seem to mind.

All that kept going through my mind as I mauled him was that he was mine, and that nobody else could touch him but me.

We rolled around, and I went farther than I have ever gone. I let him pull down my pants and touch my cock. It was so amazing. I liked how it felt. I made a big mess, but he liked that. Then I flipped him over, and returned the favor. I also tasted him. I licked him all over his chest, and did this thing with his bellybutton that I'd read about. I know I left a few bruised. I'm upset about that since I don't want to hurt him, but not that upset. Lex told me he didn't mind that I marked him.

I got carried away at first because I kind of sort of left a few marks on his neck where it's not that easy to hide. At first, I didn't even realize I was doing it, and then Lex pointed out that they would be easy to see. When I realized I was marking him, I found I liked it. Now Bruce will see them, and he will know to back off.

I do trust Lex. I guess it comes down to not trusting Bruce. But I trust Lex 100 %. 

He talked about his meetings with Bruce. I told Lex that I trusted him. I really do. When I went to leave, I said that I loved him. He said ditto this time, which is what I expected. I know it's going to take a while for him to say the words to me again, and I totally understand that.

@ 10:40 pm

Mom and dad are gone. They went into the city for a few days to celebrate their anniversary. They're even staying in a hotel.

I went into town after they left just to hang and see who was around. I hung at the coffee shop in the hopes that maybe somebody would stop by. The only person I saw that I knew was one of the jerks that had stung me up in the field. At least he ignored me.

I ended up drinking four cups of coffee before I gave up, and went home alone.

Last night when I went by to see Lex, he mentioned something about tabloids and asked me to remember they were all lies. Out of curiosity I investigated to find out what he meant. I wish I hadn't. Right there on the front page of a prominent tabloid magazine was this big article about Lex and Bruce. The article implied that the meetings were something more than just business. Which I know isn't really a surprise, but isn't there laws against slander. I mean they were pretty explicit about what they implied.

I'm betting some of you might know what I'm talking about now. That article is hard to miss. If any of you do know what I'm talking about and have seen this article, then I guess you've seen Lex.

There were pictures too, and in one of them the jerk had his hand on the small of Lex's back like he was leading Lex somewhere. It also talked about this impromptu party that they held. Lex didn't tell me about that. It was very suggestive. I am keeping my cool. I am calm about it. I will not say a word, and I will vent here on my journal. 

So why does Bruce have to keep touching Lex? I hope he saw the marks I left. I wonder if Lex told him where they came from.

Now I have a trillion chores to do, and then maybe I'll stop by to visit Lex.

 

03 November @ 10:39 am

I've ducked into the newspaper office to get away from everything. Today, so far, hasn't been great. 

On the way to school Chloe and Pete asked what I was planning on doing with my newfound freedom. I told them that it would be cool to have a party, but that it would be just a small low-key thing. Just them and Lana.

Now for the thing that has been bothering me all night and all morning. 

I'm not coherent right now so all of this might not make much sense.

I went by last night to see Lex. I dressed up real nice, and put on some of dad's cologne. I wanted to be somebody he could be proud to be with. I wanted to be somebody as cool as Bruce. I figured since my parents are away it's not even really sneaking over there. Lex was tired so I didn't stay long. I was hoping he'd ask me to stay the night, but that didn't happen. In fact, worse happened. I feel so lost right now. Those tabloid articles that have appeared in the papers have forced him to resort to drastic measures. I know he's doing it to protect me, but I still hate that he has to do it. He said he has to have girls around to show that he isn't into guys. 

He also said he didn't want reporters to snoop and discover me. I know he's trying to protect me but still it hurt to hear him say that. It made me so mad too. That these people force him to adjust his life so they won't write things about him.

I hit so many things when I got home after leaving the castle. I shredded ever newspaper in the house, and then I did something I am not proud of; I called Bruce Wayne and left a nasty message on his service. I don't usually do something like that but this is the message I left. 

'You are doing a shitty job protecting my boyfriend. If you had any brains you'd make sure those dumb articles in those stupid tabloids never got printed, jerk' 

and then I hung up.

Not my best moment, but I just couldn't help it. It stings that I can't protect Lex. 

When I went to leave, he kissed me and it felt so final; so desperate. I ran all the way home.

@ 07:44 pm

You know when they say it can't get any worse. Well they lied.

Not only are the tabloids filled with pictures of Lex with the jerk, but also they have this big article about Lex's past. I couldn't even stop myself from reading it. Since I can speed-read it's pretty hard. I have a perfect memory and never forget anything I see.

It said things about how it looks like he's getting back into the colorful scene he frequented in his younger days. It also mentioned things about S&M.

It's partly my fault. In some of the pictures you can clearly see the bruises I left on Lex. I just thought he would cover them up. I didn't think he'd just let them show like that. I didn't think somebody would get pictures of it. 

On top of that Chloe who finally came back from the big city brought some very candid photos of Lex and Bruce together. I almost punched the computer screen when I saw them. They looked like they were having a nice time. Lex looked happy and Bruce was touching him in almost every single picture.

How am I supposed to compete with that? I'm not into all that party stuff. I don't know. It's just so confusing.

Thanks so much to all of you who have left comments and advice I am so sorry I haven't gotten around to answering them. I have a few friends coming over tonight since mom and dad are away.

 

04 November @ 09:41 am

I am so tired. I spent almost all of last night at the hospital. An old friend of the family is sick. He hid out in our barn last night, and that's where Lana and Whitney found him.

Almost the whole town showed for the little party I had. The house was in a shambles when I got home this morning, and mom and dad had come back from the city early. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to clean up before they saw the mess. Even I'm not fast enough for that.

The party sucked. First of all, Lex got me fireworks, which was cool, but not wanted. The worst was the fact that he actual brought a date. Some girl who I hope I never see again. I know he wants to keep up appearances but why would he have to do that at a high school kid's party? It's not like there was any media there.

I pulled him aside and we talk. It didn't go very well. I was too upset about everything else around me, and on top of that he does this. I couldn't take it. I yelled at him for something that was my fault. I know, not cool, but I was just so upset. In those tabloid articles they talked about Lex's penchant for screwing people over, and then moving on to the next person. I couldn't help but wonder if he would do that to me, and if he'd get bored of me.

Unfortunately, I had to wonder out loud. I don't even care that he was disappointed in the fact that I had looked at those articles. That wasn't even the point. I'm not stupid. I know they can't lie all the time in the papers. Otherwise the lawsuits would put them out of business.

After the fight with Lex, Chloe pulled me aside. We had a nice talk. At first I wasn't up for it, but then I saw that she was upset so I decided to calm down and spend some time with her. We hadn't had a chance to talk after she got back from down town. She doesn't like Bruce either, which made me immensely happy. She spent most of her time in town chasing Lex and Bruce. She told me the pictures she had on her computer were for her cousin (who sounds very annoying btw). She also said she wasn't going to use them for anything. It was really nice to just talk like that. It cheered me up. I have to remember that I have friends, and that they care about me.

I have to go. We're going on a class trip to the crap factory. I hope I don't see Lex. I really don't want to right now. The chances of that happening are pretty slim since I highly doubt that a class trip is a high priority. I think Chloe's dad is showing us around. More later.

@ 05:45 pm

I just finished talking to my mom and dad. They want me to stay in, but I wish I could go see if Lex is all right. It's been another harrowing day.

One of the worst experiences in the world has to be watching somebody you love dangle fifty feet above a concrete floor from a scaffold, which could break at any second. I almost lost Lex today, and I am not ashamed to say that when I got home, and the reality of the situation hit me I felt intense relief.

The friend I talked about earlier who I said was sick came down to the plant, and held my class hostage. He was so angry and bitter. When I tried to talk to him, he just wouldn't list.

Lex was brave. I was in total awe of how he came in, and tried to negotiate with our captor. Then he did something so heroic, I will never forget it as long as I live. He exchanged himself as a hostage for the whole class! I think I loved him in that moment more than I have ever loved anybody else.

He told me to get out too, but I couldn't leave him there. I had to do something. The plant was going to blow up. I'm shaking again just thinking about it. When you're in a harrowing situation, you don't think you just act, but afterwards, when you realize what could have happened, it scares you.

My friend shook the scaffolding loose, and my heart almost stopped as I watched them dangle. I had to get past my own fears, and my own feeling of nausea. When I pulled them up, and had Lex in my arms I was so relieved I wanted to kiss him, but obviously, that wasn't the right time.

I don't even know where I found the strength to pull two grown men up. I just knew one thing; I couldn't let them die. Most of all, I couldn't let Lex die.

When I found what my friend was looking for, he took Lex down to show him. I know Lex was just as shocked as I was that my friend had been telling the truth all along. I wouldn't put it past Lex's father to lie to his own son.

After it was all over, I was so glad to see my mom and dad. In the end, the plant didn't blow up, and I only caught a brief glimpse of Lex as his father hugged him close. I was glad to see that Lex wasn't alone. I wanted to go over and talk to him, but the media was there, and mom and dad wanted to get home.

Now I'm staring at the TV screen (the news reports on what happened are running almost nonstop here) wishing I could go to him. I will go to him, but I want to give him some time to recover. His dad is with him. I'm sure he needs time with his dad just as I need time with my mom and dad.

 

06 November @ 12:03 am

I will never forget the image of Lex having sex with some man. 

A stranger who looked a lot like me was fucking him. I froze, and just stared at them. My mind just snapped. All I kept thinking was that it was supposed to be me above Lex. I wanted it to be me. It lasted only seconds but it seemed like an eternity.

This was not how I wanted to see Lex naked for the first time.

I have to say, I'm surprised to find out that Lex likes to bottom.

My brain needs to be scrubbed right now!

@ 12:23 am

I just got back from Lex's house. I took my time getting there in the hopes that I would find the words to tell him how I feel. I wish I had called first.

I will never forget what I found. He was busy, to say the least. I walked in on the end of him having sex with some guy. They were in the middle of the floor in his sitting room. The door wasn't even locked. I wish it had been. The first thing I thought was what the heck; the second thing was who the hell is this guy? After that, I pretty much freaked and ran out of the room. I didn't go far because I just couldn't think straight.

Before I found them, I was in the troy room thinking, so I went back there and sat in the dark.

It's funny but you'd think this would make me run as far away as possible from Lex, but I didn't even think about that at the time. All I could think about was how glad I was that Lex was all right. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I could have lost him forever the other day at the plant.

I feel partly responsible for what happened. The other night at the party, I said something that could easily be interpreted as a break-up. He asked me what I wanted from him. I told him nothing, and walked away.

When he finally found me in the troy room after I left him with his 'date', he explained what had happened. He thought I wasn't going back to him because I didn't go see him after the incident at the plant, and because of what I said to him at the party, that I had dumped him.

I wish I'd gone to see him sooner. It doesn't really matter now. After he sent the guy packing, and showered, we went up to his room. I held him in my arms for a while. I told him I cared about him. I told him I didn't care about what I saw, and I told him I want to be with him, but that it would have to be different.

I left him asleep in his bed.

@ 05:49 pm

I love long hard days where I'm kept busy. 

I spent all day today smiling like a goof. Everybody I know thinks I'm insane. When I got home from school, I did my chores in record time, and then helped mom with some extra stuff. She kept giving me these looks. Finally when I tackled her in a fit of giggly tickles she forced me to sit down, and explain what was up. I just told her I was ecstatically happy. I didn't tell her the whole truth of why. 

I told her that my friendship with Lana was going great. I told her that Lex and I had a fight last week but that we'd worked it out. She seemed convinced.

I told her I'm off to see Lex tonight to play a game of pool. She just told me to be home by midnight. It really means a lot to me that my mom and dad trust me so much. I guess it sucks that I have to lie about the happiest thing going on in my life.

Pete's been acting strange lately. We talked in the locker room after gym. I mentioned to him that I wanted to get together for a game of Basketball. He smiled and said sure and that was it. Then he took off, saying he had to get some stuff done.

@ 06:52 pm

Last night I told Lex I would have followed him to the floor if he'd fallen off that scaffold. And I would have. Even though I know it could have meant my death. I was so terrified that he would die. I didn't have my strength because of Earl and the effects of the meteor rocks I could have died, and I really don't care. I care about him that much. I know that I would do anything for him. I'd even fall to my death.

When I was at his place last night, I cleaned up the broken glass from the bottle I dropped after seeing him with that guy. I think back to that, and I mean, it was easy enough with my speed to clean the mess, but now I just think it was a strange thing to do. I stood in that room, and just stared at the spot. It flashed through my mind what I'd seen.

I have thought about sex. I wonder if I would break my lover. I am so strong now, and I get stronger every day. Once when I was thirteen, I was crying because I'd broken something. My mom told me that I would learn how to handle my strength. She pointed out that if I could hold a pen and write with it, I could eventually do anything just like a normal person. I didn't know back then what I know now.

I hope she's right. I haven't broken Lex yet but I have left bruises.

 

07 November @ 03:37 pm

Last night was great. 

We played a nice game of pool, and talked about nothing in particular. We did a little bit of kissing, but I found it hard. Every time I kissed him the image of him with that man who looked like me popped into my head.

That man Lex was with looked so much like me it was uncanny and very creepy. They were both completely naked when I found them. Naked! It's not like I stared at them for a long period of time. Unfortunately for me, I have a freakish memory. I never forget anything I see or learn.

I want to ask Lex about it. I really tried last night, but how do you ask if sex hurts. I mean it looks like it would, especially for the man on the bottom. I could ask my mom. She seems easier to talk to about these things. Of course I won't say it's about sex with a man. I'll have to pretend I'm asking because I hope to get closer to Lana.

I think I'll ask mom today after school. She wants my help with some chores only I can do. It shouldn't be too hard to ask since they already gave me condoms, and had the talk with me. This will just be a fact-finding mission. Or maybe not. Knowing me, I'd blush so red I'd explode. I think I'll just forget about asking mom. She doesn't need to worry about me anymore than she already does.

@ 11:53 pm

I snuck over to the mansion. 

I had to. I needed to see Lex, and mom and dad didn't want me to go out. They didn't even have a good reason. I mean, just because isn't a good reason, right? So, I went over without permission. I don't think they heard. I waited until they were in bed. I feel guilty now. I know I shouldn't go behind their backs like that.

I just checked, and they're still asleep.

I'm so glad I went to see Lex. He was agitated tonight, and you'll never guess why. His father. When I was growing up, like other kids, I just assumed parents were all the same. Lex has issues with his father. I guess not all families are perfect. I wish it could be for him. He deserves it.

I know one thing for sure. I will not sneak up on Lex again any time soon. He was so startled when I did it, I felt bad right away. He was even shaking. It was strange to see that. He's usually so calm and collected.

I held him in my arms until I was sure he was calm. Actually, I just like to hold him in my arms. So I held him for a while, and soothed him. It seems so weird to say that I soothed Lex. I mean, he's always painted as such a ruthless executive, and here he is letting me hold him in my arms.

It was nice to say the least. I felt so happy holding Lex. I felt like everything would be okay, and that he was mine to take care of. Since the accident on the bridge I feel like we belong to each other. Like maybe all that has happened so far was fate.

Like Lex said to me 'we have a future together' I agree with him now, and I won't let anything stand in the way. It's meant to be. I just know it. Something deep inside me knows it.

Now I need to take care of business.

 

08 November @ 08:44 pm

Today was such a nice normal day. I'd almost forgotten how to have one of those.

Pete came by and stayed for lunch. It was nice to have him here. I don't think he's been over for a while. After Lunch we just hung out and shot some hoops. We talked, well he talked I listened. He talked a lot about Jody. The way his eyes lit up when he described his time with her; I could imagine that my eyes light up that way when I talk about Lex. I didn't talk about Lex with Pete though. I really didn't have much to say that isn't hard to explain.

Pete told me he and Jody slept together. He left out the details thank goodness. Not that I'm not happy for him, I just blush so hard when people talk about sex. Even now after everything that Lex has introduced to me. I can't help it. I just get embarrassed. Pete totally picked up on that and left it at vague. He's so cool that way.

I talked about how happy Lana looks lately though I didn't tell my friend it wasn't Whitney that does it for her. It was weird when I mentioned Whitney, Pete got all grim, and asked to change the subject. I wonder what that was about.

Anyway, we had fun. He just went home at around seven after dinner. He loves my mom's cooking, and mom seemed real happy to have him over. I think maybe she missed him almost as much as I did.

I wonder how she would feel about having Lex over for dinner. Speaking of. Somebody sent me flowers. I have no idea who they were from, but they were nice. Maybe it was Lex, and he didn't want mom and dad to know. I just don't see Lex as the flower giving type. Maybe the truck giving type, but flowers - I guess it could have been somebody else. Mom told me to throw them out since we didn't know where they came from, and they were kind of wilted. I couldn't tell her I thought Lex sent them. That would not go over well. 

Speaking of Lex, I'm going over as soon as I'm done here. We're going for a drive. I already asked my mom and since it's not a school night she said it was fine as long as I got in by one. This is the first time she's given me such a late curfew.

 

09 November @ 10:07 pm

Last night I had the best night ever.

I talked one of Lex's servants into bringing the Ferrari around. When I went in to get Lex, he was lost in thought. He came willingly. He looked tired so I drove. I took him out to a deserted area, and parked. The sky was clear, and the stars were bright, I wanted to share it with him.

I lay a blanket out on the ground. He seemed really surprised by my actions. I told him I wanted us to do something that was simple. When he asked me why I'm so fascinated by the stars I told him that they take my breath away just like he does. I'm not really good with romantic words and stuff like that, but he seemed really blown away by it. I was glad my idea worked out.

Then I tried to explain how sometimes you just have to make things simple. Like a kiss under the stars. Simple. No talking, no analyzing, no trying to figure it out.

It really bothers me is how he keeps telling me he doesn't deserve the things I give him. Why should he think that? I feel he deserves it. I want to make him happy. I wish he would believe me.

It was nice to just watch him watch the stars. We made out. It was so wonderful. He's such a great kisser. Then we tickled each other for a while. That was fun, and surprising. It was nice to see him relax, and just let it all hang out.

I told him I wished I could protect him from all the things that hurt him. I know I can protect him from some of them, but things like what his father has done to him; it's too late. That doesn't stop me from wishing I could.

Then Lex told me his dad was angry at him for what he did at the plant. His dad is such a jerk. I mean, he leaves his son to die! How is Lex supposed to interpret that? He sounds like the biggest jerk ever. Why would any father want his son to suffer? I told Lex I thought his dad sucked.

I made the mistake of calling myself a freak in front of Lex. Things got kind of intense after that. It's just like my journal handle says; freak forever. I can't even explain to him how hard things have been for me. How different I am from most people. My parents say that I should embrace my differences and that they're a part of me. I guess they're right.

I changed the subject fast. The stargazing wasn't supposed to be intense. I just wanted it to be nice, and simple so we made out some more. Then I sucked the hugest hickey onto his neck. He was more than happy to allow it.

He told me something that made my heart pound. He told me he belongs to me! I was thrilled to hear this. It made me happy. I told him I love him. He said ditto which is cool since that is what we agreed on. I don't mind at all. I know that one day he'll say the L word again, and it will mean much more when it happens because I know he will truly mean it.

Things got hot and I jerked him off right there under the stars. That still makes me blush to see in words. He looked beautiful under the stars coming all over my hand. Just before he came, I told him he was mine, and that I would always catch him no matter what.

He drove me home. I was happy I wanted to wake up my mom and tell her all about it. I just went to bed and jerked off with the vision of Lex in my head.

 

10 November @ 09:51 pm

The papers have calmed down. The stories about Lex seem to be taking a back seat to real news. I'm ignoring them mostly.

This was a pretty typical day for me. Woke up went to school, did about a hundred chores when I came home. My mom was in a real weird mood. I gave her a hug and told her I loved her. She looked at me like I'm a freak. Well, not a freak but you know what I mean. She was surprised but happy.

I delivered the produce today as I do every Monday. I couldn't stay long since I still had a million chores. My parents are total slave drivers.

Now I'm being a good boy, and doing my homework. Go me. I need to take an apple pie break. Mmmm pie. 

 

11 November @ 11:03 am

Telling lies comes naturally to me after all these years. I told a lot of them yesterday. I had no time to write this out and something really big happened to me.

When I did the deliveries, I said nothing happened, but that's not quite true. Lex was horny. He pulled me into his office, and locked the door behind us. I didn't even have time to breath. I was hard so fast it hurt. We started to make out against his pool table. I grabbed him, and lifted him up onto the table. It got hot fast. I couldn't help myself. He was just so sexy I pulled off his shirt, and tossed it aside, and then he pulled off mine.

I jerked him off, which was totally hot, and then he pulled me to the edge of the table, and sucked me off right there against the pool table in his office. He got down on his knees, and did this thing with his tongue that gets me hard every time I think about it. So now, instead of getting hard 50 times a day, I get hard 100 times a day. He even deep throated me, which WOW, totally rocks. It was so amazing! He blew my mind away.

Then he stopped sucking me off. I wanted to complain about, but I was too afraid he'd stop altogether, so I didn't. He stood and told me to look into his eyes as he jerked me off. I couldn't even talk for ten minutes after I came all over him.

The site of my cock in Lex's mouth is not something I will soon forget.

@ 05:39 pm

My mom and Chloe suspect something. My mom had a talk with me last night. She told me I could talk to her if there was anything on my mind. She also told me she has heard me go out late at night. All those times when I was going out to see Lex she knew about it. I told her about the runs. I mean, it's sometimes true. I so go for run some of those times. She doesn't need to know that almost all of them end at the castle.

I told her I was just upset over the fact that Lana is not available to me. I wonder what she would say if she knew the half of it?

I wasn't sure what else to say to her. At least I know that she'll be there for me no matter what. Maybe I could somehow find out what she thinks about being gay. I wouldn't know how to do that without tipping her off.

After that, Lana called. I couldn't believe what happened. Chloe's dad knows about them, and he's cool about it! She has such an understanding father. The only thing he's worried about is what would happen to them if people found out. We are in a small town, and sometimes people aren't known for their open-mindedness.

Lana sounded happy. She was calling to tell me that Chloe wants me to confide in her. I feel weird about this. I know I shouldn't have confided in Lana at all. It was unfair to Lex and it was unfair to Chloe. I'm not sure how to handle this. I'm not excluding Chloe because I don't trust her. I didn't tell Lana over her because I care less for Chloe. It just felt right at the time.

It wasn't a complete lie when I told my mom about liking Lana still. I do, sort of. It's weird, she's so pretty, and when I look at her, I want to hold her and protect her. I know it's not the same with Lex. When I look at him, I want to make him a part of me. I want to hold him and never let go. I want to know that he's safe, and will always be there no matter what. I also want to kiss him and do other things to him. 

I wish I could figure out what to do. I'm waiting in the newspaper office for Chloe to show. Maybe by the time she gets here, I'll figure it out.

 

12 November @ 02:23 pm

Things with Chloe went well. She showed up at the office just after I posted yesterday, which was around 5:39. She was tense at first when she saw me, but then I brought up her favorite subject: the school paper. She seemed happy after that. We hung for a bit, and talked. It was nice to be with her.

Things with my mom, however, did not go well. This time, instead of sneaking out I asked permission. She seemed fine with it. Which is cool. She trusts me. I got to the castle to find Lex drunk. I'm really worried about him. He was drunk because Bruce is coming by the castle today. He was worried about how I would react. They are fed up with the press following them everywhere they go so to avoid them, they're going to be at the castle. I'm fine with that.

I feel responsible. I mean if I wasn't so jealous of Bruce, and if I hadn't reacted so poorly to the situation Lex wouldn't have felt the need to drink. I know in the end that Lex is responsible for his own action, but I can't help feel like I contributed to his mood. Lex claimed he always drinks.

I took Lex up to his room, and we just sort of fooled around with no climax. He was really playful, and strange so I just tried to keep it light.

He's probably over at the mansion right now with Bruce. I'll call first before going over. I don't want Lex to think I don't trust him.

I do trust him.

Lex spilled his drink all over my back when we hugged which sucked since my mom was waiting for me when I got home. I lost track of time too, so that didn't help. Mom was really mad. She smelled the alcohol on me and came to the wrong conclusion. She threatened to ground me. It's so humiliating. I didn't drink. I would never drink. She even checked my breath.

 

13 November @ 10:52 am

I just had breakfast with Lex. It was so nice. We sat close together and had pancakes, eggs and bacon. He invited me last night when I called to see if I could stop by. He told me I shouldn't stop by right after my mom had been to visit him so I stayed at home. I can't believe my mom did that. I know she's worried, but to go check up on me like that.

I suppose I should panic now. Mom is very perceptive. I think I might have mentioned that.

Breakfast was great. Bruce walked in while Lex and I were kissing. He didn't say a word. He just turned and walked out. I caught a look of something. Not sure what. Maybe frustration. Or annoyance. I kissed Lex harder after that. I was so overjoyed that Bruce saw. Now maybe he'll realize how we feel. 

I don't trust him though. I hate that he's staying over at the mansion with Lex. It's true he's in a separate wing, but still, I just don't trust him. I hardly know the man.

Maybe I'll stop by later tonight just to say hi to Lex and tuck him in.

I have to run. I have a class to get to, and I am totally late.

 

14 November @ 09:48 am

After having a long talk with Lana yesterday, I did a few chores to burn off excess energy. I never realized how upset I was about everything that's happening until I talked it out. I really thought I could handle it. 

The talk was hard. Lana told me Chloe is hurt by the fact that I haven't told her about what's happening with Lex. She's upset because I can't seem to confide in her even though we're supposed to be best friends. I told Lana that I wasn't going to tell Chloe any time soon so she would just have to deal. Lana suggested I tell Chloe that there is something going on but that I just couldn't tell her. It seems odd to do that, but maybe I should.

I kind of blurted out that Lex and I are 'fucking'. I mean he did get down on his knees, and give me a blowjob. That's fucking isn't it?

If my mom really suspects something, I don't know what to do. How do I make her understand what it is that I am feeling? Some people have suggested it might help if I talk to her, but the thought makes my stomach churn. I'm not ready for this.

@ 10:11 am

That will teach me to go over to the mansion, and spy on Bruce. Last night I just couldn't take it anymore. 

He saw. He knows. I didn't tell him the truth about me, but Bruce saw. I went over late last night, and sneaked my way into the mansion. Since he was in a separate wing it was easy enough to hide in the room beside his. I x-rayed through the wall and watched. I just wanted to see for myself that he wasn't doing anything with Lex.

Everything would have been fine if it hadn't been for the burglar who broke into his wing and tried to shoot Bruce. I didn't even think. I just ran in used my speed, jumped into the path of the bullet and knocked the robber out. When it was all over I turned in horror to see Bruce standing staring at me with a look of confusion on his face. I didn't know what to say.

He saw me use my speed, and my strength, and he saw the bullet bounce off me. Even if he didn't see it bounce, it wasn't as if I had a hole in me. The lack of blood gave away the fact that it didn't enter me.

I'm calmer now, but last night I totally freaked. He didn't say a word except to tell me to leave, and that he would take care of the robber.

I didn't go home. I went straight to Lex's room. I was afraid something might happen to him. I didn't know if the burglar was alone or if he had a friend. I told myself I was just making sure he was fine. He was asleep when I entered his room. He woke up as soon as I slipped into his bed. It was so nice to be in his arms. He pulled off my shirt and we lay together. I was hard almost instantly. We didn't do anything other than kiss a little, and touch above the waist.

Lex likes to be held. I bet that's information he'd rather not have go public. 

I know about secrets. I've had to keep one my whole life. Another secret isn't really that big a deal. I think that it's because I have to keep this one from mom and dad that makes it so hard. I love my mom and dad and they have always been such a source of strength for me. Never mind that I'm probably the strongest person (alien) on the planet.

 

15 November @ 10:54 pm

When I went over to see Lex last night, I finally got up the nerve to tell him how I've been feeling. About how terrified I am that my mom will find out about us. He's convinced my mom doesn't suspect, but he doesn't know her. She's got mom sense. I swear she gave me this look this morning.

I've been doing work all day, getting ready for harvest. Some things already needed to be harvested, but I guess the intricacies of farm life are probably very dull.

Mom made me harvest almost all the apples. On top of that one of the cows broke the fence. This is the first time I've had a chance to do anything that didn't involve getting covered in dirt. I only stopped because the stupid tractor broke down again. Dad has to wait until Monday to get a part for it. So it looks like I get a break tomorrow, which is good because Lex has invited me to this gala thing in the city.

It took some convincing, but finally my mom and dad said I could go. I called Lex to let him know. He was fine with that. 

Last night things were kind of weird at first. We talked. He told me his father saw me leaving Bruce's room when I stopped by the other night. I didn't even know his dad was there. Lex was disappointed in me, but we talked it through. I also told him that I still have feelings for Lana. I wanted to be honest. I thought he was going to break up with me, but he only suggested that maybe things would be easier if I was with her. Less stressful.

I let it slip that I told Lana about us. Lex was livid. I don't blame him. I tried to make him understand that she wouldn't tell, and that I needed somebody to talk to about this. I think he understood. He wasn't happy about it but he seemed to be okay with it. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to tell another single person.

I guess that means Chloe will remain in the dark. I also told Lex that Chloe suspects something is up, but that Lana has promised not to tell her. I feel even more pressured. Maybe I should call Lana and stress to her how important it is that she never tells anybody. Ever.

When Lex and I were finished talking, I got down on my knees. I wanted to return his favor from earlier this week. He freaked, and told me to get up. I was nervous. I was building up to it all day, and then he just told me we should keep it simple.

Stuff like this is what makes me care about him even more. He was concerned that I wasn't ready for this big step. So instead we did more frottage. I was so hard I thought I would explode when he touched me with his bare hand. It was so amazing, rubbing up against his bare stomach. I came all over him, and then I returned the favor. I was so tempted to bend down and lick. I already know what he tastes like since I've licked his come off my fingers before.

After that, I was hungry so we went to get some sandwiches and pie.

 

16 November @ 09:35 am

Wet dreams.

I got to sleep in this morning. Since my mom, and dad are just hanging out in the kitchen having some mom and dad time. I can hear my mom laughing, and when I peeked to see what was up they were getting all mushy yuck.

I thought I'd write down some thoughts. Last night I called Lana. We had a long conversation mostly about Lex. She's so easy to talk to, and I can't figure out why. Before I knew it, I was telling her stuff I would never tell my mom. I used to be able to tell my mom everything as Lana pointed out, but I can't tell these things to my mom.

I don't really have a choice now since Lex told me not to say anything to anybody else. I told Lana about that. It got so serious and intense; I had to make a joke. I'm not good at making jokes. I made a crack about how Lex beat me. She really didn't find it funny. I guess it isn't. 

Then she asked me if it hurt. She meant having sex with Lex. How cool is it that my boyfriend's name rhymes with sex? I told her that we haven't had sex yet: Just the kisses, touches, hand jobs and the one blowjob. (getting hard again) I told her I wasn't even sure if I want to have that kind of sex. That's not entirely true.

I had a dream about it last night. I guess because of the conversation. I'll have to thank her the next time I see her. In the dream, Lex was under me begging me to fuck him. It was so hot I woke up with come in my PJs.

Even though I told Lana that I wasn't even sure if I want that kind of sex with Lex, the truth is, I want it. I think about sex, especially after seeing Lex with that man. I want to see what it feels like to be inside Lex, I also want to see what it feels like to have him inside me. It seems like it would hurt, but then almost nothing hurts me. I have a high pain threshold. I've only ever felt pain once in my life. I just wonder if it would be more pleasure than pain. I guess I'll find out one day. I can wait. For now, I'll just enjoy what we have.

@ 11:17 pm

Wash bits of broken glass out of my hair.

I will never forget what a bus going 60 miles an hour feels like as it wraps around me. 

I just came back from that gala thing in Metropolis, and I had to shower for almost an hour to get all the broken glass out of my hair. On a happy note I saved a dog, and a man who was asleep on a bench and all the people on the bus. Nothing was hurt except my best jacket.

 

17 November @ 12:20 am

I just finished getting ready for bed. This thing Lex invited me to totally blew. It was really not my style at all. Then he pulls this stupid stuff with Lana. I knew Lana was going to be there, but I had no idea Lex was the one who invited her. I wanted to yell at him right there for pulling that.

He made these stupid cracks about how I'd never get her if I kept running away. I don't even want her, and he knows it. He's just getting back at me for what I said the other day about still liking her. I hate that. I hate that he would just do that and then act like it's okay.

Some woman named Victoria, showed up just as Lex was trying to explain to me about how I should treat Whitney like an enemy. He said I should keep him close. It was so stupid. I have to wonder now if he said it so Victoria could overhear.

I just made a crack about how close he would keep her, and as I walked away, I made sure to rub my arm up against Lex.

I went for some air, and when I got back Lex was still with her. She was giving Lex these looks like he was her dinner. I felt awkward so I left.

I can't believe this. I just can't believe I have to go through this every time 'an old friend' from Lex's past shows up on his doorstep. I hate the way she looked at him. I hate the way he just dismissed me as if I was just nobody. 

He better not let her touch him.

 

18 November @ 12:02 am

He cheated on me. He cheated on me with that woman from the museum. He tried to tell me stuff about what his father expects of him. I couldn't listen and don't you tell me I should have. I offered to give him the same thing and he turned me down and then he goes and lets her do it.

It's been such a crappy day and then this happened to top it off. I wish I could just hide somewhere. I'm scared and then this happens.

That dirty cop who Lex says is very dangerous. He threatened me just a few hours ago. I told my mom and dad and they said they'd take care of it.

Let me count the crappiness of my day.

1\. Chloe was fired from the paper. Really her crap but I was having a great time with her and then this happens.

2\. Dirty cop threatens me and man did I want to kick his ass to the next county.

3\. I had to tell my parents I screwed up. Luckily they weren't upset at me.

4\. Lex cheats on me.

Wow, oh yeah, that is a day I should do over.

Trying to deal here.

I broke so much stuff, when mom sees it, she'll freak. I don't really care right now. I'm just lying here in the dark not caring about anything at all. AT ALL.

Tomorrow I will pretend to care.

She's at the house right now with Lex, who by the way told me he loved me right after he told me he cheated on me.

I'm tired. I want to be somebody else. I want somebody to hold me. I want to cry.

@ 10:38 pm

Chloe and Lana are at odds because the principal gave Chloe's job at the paper to Lana. I got caught in the middle. I tired to make Chloe see the good side of what happened, but she just thought I was taking Lana's side, which I wasn't doing. I was just trying to help.

On top of that, I just came back from the city. That crooked cop tried to get me to do something illegal, but I showed him. I wasn't in the mood for his shit.

I'm so angry right now. I almost called Lex without even thinking. I was that upset. Then I remembered. So stupid that I would forget that it's over between us.

I feel lost and completely alone right now. My life SUCKS!!!! Now I'm going to smash a huge amount of things.

 

19 November @ 01:13 pm

Have you ever wanted to kill a man?

I did. Today. That cop fixed it so my dad got thrown in jail for murder. He did it because of what I did to him last night. I thought I could handle it myself, but I know now that I can't. I have to tell my dad what I did. He's going to be so disappointed in me.

I've never felt so much rage in my entire life. I really wanted to kill that cop; wipe the smugness off his face. I shake just thinking about it.

Last night Lana and I had a talk. Things are so bad between her and Chloe, but I have faith that it will work out. I just know Chloe cares so much for Lana. That seems to be enough for them.

For me, nothing ever seems to be enough. I always lose no matter how hard I try.

I just finished talking to Lana again. She's so easy to talk to. She seems to understand how I feel. It's nice to have that. We talked about parents. We're both adopted so maybe that's why she understands.

I feel like my mom and dad would be better off without me. For one thing, my dad wouldn't be in jail right now. My mom wouldn't have to deal with this.

I have to go see my dad in jail and tell him what happened. I have to tell him this is my fault. I've been sitting here trying to gather the courage. I thought that if I wrote it here first it might help, but I don't think anything will help. I just have to do this. My actions have consequences, and now I have to deal with them.

I just hope my dad doesn't hate me. I hope he understands that I would do anything to protect them.

 

20 November @ 12:31 am

The cop took me to the city again. He tried to get me to help him rob this place, but I ran the first chance I got. I left him there to get caught by the police. He's probably in jail as I write this.

He tried to shoot me.

I'm glad that's over. Now maybe he'll tell the police what he did to my dad, and my dad will be freed. I hope so. It makes me sick inside that somebody like him even exists. I guess it was naive of me to think that people are honest. I know people can be bad.

I ran into Lex today. He offered to help me with my dad. He told me he knew the kinds of things Phelan could do.

I was so mean to Lex. Phelan told me that Lex has secrets. I know he has secrets. Lex told me before that this cop was the kind of man who fixed things. I can't help wondering what he fixed for Lex.

I was angry at Lex. I lashed out. I threw it in his face. After I walked away from him, a part of me wanted to go back and accept his offer, but I knew I couldn't.

My dad's still in jail, and now I'm sitting here alone, trying to sort everything out. It's been such a long day. I wish I could go to Lex. I miss him. I want to be with him so badly.

@ 07:59 pm

Dad's home and I think Lex had something to do with it.

That cop is dead. I found out this morning. I can't believe this. I just figured Phelan would give himself up. I never thought he would try to shoot his way out of it. I feel weird about it. On the one hand, he made my life hell, but on the other hand, I would never have wished for it to turn out like this.

Things with Lex are still tense. I realized something today; I put him on a pedestal, and when he failed to be this perfect person, I held it against him. I'm so disappointed in myself. I feel like the biggest jerk ever. I have to go talk to him. I can't lose him as a friend. I realize now how naive I was to think I could handle such a serious relationship. I'm going to try to regain something with him; anything, I don't care what. I guess it's possible he could throw me out. If he does, I'll just have to accept it and try to move on.

The thought that he won't forgive me terrifies me.

 

21 November @ 11:16 pm

The hardest thing you'll ever have to do is give up someone you love.

I went to see Lex. I had to thank him for what he did. How he helped my dad. It hurts too much right now to even write it down. I don't even care about the other thing anymore.

All I care about is the fact that things will never be the same. Is this what growing up is? Is this what love is?

He still wants us to be friends. I think with time it could happen. This is better anyway. It's safer for everybody.

He said that it was a matter of who he is. I understand that. I should know better than anybody.

I feel so numb inside.

 

23 November @ 10:04 pm

This is what it means to be me.

Stupid day. So boring with nothing but farm work to do. I did it all in the morning. I don't want to call anybody. I don't want to be alone. It's stupid. So I'm here alone like the big loser that I am, trying to put into words the things I've been feeling over the last few days.

Mom and dad went out last night. Probably to get away from me. 

I did things today over and over again. I did them once, and then forgot I did them. I found myself thinking I should call Lex to see if he'd like to play pool or just hang out. I had to remind myself that he isn't a kid like me. He doesn't hang out.

I have to bite my tongue a hundred times today to stop myself from talking about Lex to my mom. 

I hate my life. Can you say Loser?

@ 10:07 pm

Alien freak.

Lex thinks it's because of who we are that things can't work between us. He's right. I'm nothing. I'm nobody. I don't even exist as a person. I'm not human. NOT A PERSON! And I never will be.

I'm not a human being. I look in the mirror. I stare at my reflection. I punch the glass and pick up a shard. I put it to my wrist, and slice. NOTHING happens. I do not bleed. I've never skinned my knee. The first time I felt real pain was the night I was strung up on the cross.

I can't be hurt except by a bunch of rocks I brought with me when I crash-landed in my space ship. Rocks that seem to hurt every one they touch.

When I was growing up, I used to pray that nothing new would happen to me. That the strength was it, and then other things started happening. The speed but that doesn't help with the human. I run so fast I'm nothing but a blur in the landscape. A blur to the rest of the world.

None of these things help me to be human. Or even help me to keep the illusion in my head that I am human.

NOT HUMAN.

There is more to why Lex and I will never work. I know this. I was a fool to ever get so close to him. The more time passes the more terrified I become of what he would do if he ever found out that I have been lying to him from the moment we met.

At best he'd hate me forever, at worst he'd make my life a living hell. 

After all, I'm proof there's life on other worlds. 

My parents are the only people who know about me. I've always wondered what it would be like if somebody else knew. I have these fantasies about telling somebody. It used to be Lana, but now it's Lex. I imagine that sometimes he tells me it's okay. That he still loves me. That nothing will change between us. Other times he calls the government, and has me taken away from my mom and dad.

It's not just about that. I know this. It's about where I am in my life. I'm not ready for any of what Lex has to offer. I have to admit when I look at him I want to own him. I want him to be mine. I haven't ever felt that way about anybody before.

It terrifies me, and thrills me at the same time.

I lay awake at night sometimes, and wonder what's normal for my people.

No matter what, I am not a human male. This is so stupid.

Bruce knows that I'm a freak, but I didn't tell him how much of a freak. He saw the true me. I have no idea what he thinks about it. He hasn't said a word since that night. I'm too terrified to ask. It seems like I'm nothing but terrified these days, and it all started with the day my father told me the truth about my heritage. 

It all started when I met Lex on that bridge.

 

25 November @ 12:10 am

Well, nothing else could happen to make the day worse. Great morning. Fell down the stairs on the way down to breakfast. Yeah! That pretty much set the mood for the day.

Class sucked.

Home sucked more. While I was doing my deliveries, the truck went into a ditch. I had to push it out. It must have rained last night since the ditch was muddy. I fell flat on my face, and ended up covered in mud. I still had Lex's delivery to do and of course, the first time I see him in a few days I'm covered in mud. I had to go in to get the check for the produce. I trailed mud everywhere. I don't think I left a single spot on the carpet from the kitchen door to his office clean.

I wanted to look good. I was hoping that he'd see me and want only me. Instead I end up looking like a fucking shit farmer. Then I accidentally flung mud all over his shirt. On top of that, Bruce is staying with him and I'm pretty sure I saw evidence that they are having sex. Or that Lex and Victoria are having sex. Hell, for all I know they're all sleeping with each other!

I hate my life. And then when I got back Lana called. She's so clueless. I watched her and her fake boyfriend today at lunch. They were playing their fake game of being boyfriend/girlfriend. The look on his face was not fake. I know that look. He loves her. I tried to tell her, but I don't think she gets it.

 

26 November @ 12:03 am

Mom knows.

My mom and I had a talk. She knows about me liking boys. It wasn't as bad as I thought. She was very understanding. I freaked when she said that I might want to consider telling dad. There is no way I can tell him. Just the thought sends my stomach into convulsions. Not that my dad is homophobic or anything, he just scares me.

When my mom talked to me she told me she wished my boyfriend and I could walk down the street holding hands. I immediately told her I don't have a boyfriend.

I guess I should have told her that technically I still like girls as well. I didn't really want to get into it right then.

This is so weird. She said she knows I have feelings for someone. I wonder if she suspects that I mean Lex? She did figure out that I like boys. Maybe she knows which boy I like. That would suck. I certainly don't want her to go to Lex about this. What if she does?

Now I'm in a panic. Should I tell Lex? I don't know.

@ 11:42 pm

I had to do the deliveries today, which means I had to see Lex. I didn't shy away from it. I actually went looking for him. I hoped that we could maybe talk or something. I didn't realize how bitter I felt until we started playing a game of pool. I just blurted out that my mom knows about me. He seemed to take it well. Then I told him I think she suspects I like Lex that way. He seemed to take that well too.

He also seemed happy for me that my mom was so understanding. For some reason I felt so angry, and I lashed out. I joked that I would tell my dad over Thanksgiving dinner. That didn't go over well. He actually paled.

I really needed to get things off my chest.

He told me he was hoping I would get in touch with my anger. I almost laughed. If I got anymore in touch with my anger the house would be leveled.

I can't believe how angry I was, but I really didn't want to lie to him. I told him I wished we'd never done anything sexual. I know it's stupid of me to say that now. Too little too late, but I can't help how I feel. I want to go back and change things. I wished I'd kept how I feel about him to myself. I wish I'd never kissed him that first time. But I did, and I have to deal. I have to live in the now, and realize that it happened.

I think now that I told him how I feel, I can move on, and we can be friends again.

In other news, Pete will be coming over on Friday to hang out and stay for dinner. We haven't really had a chance to talk lately since I've been so busy. We talked today at lunch, and I invited him over. Of course he's very busy on Thanksgiving Day since he has a huge family.

It'll be nice to see him again. He's really been keeping to himself since Jody. I hope he's okay.

 

27 November @ 10:55 pm

I am so stuffed. My mom made so much food. I thought I was going to explode. It was just the three of us so I don't even know why she did that.

I spent most of the holiday with mom in the kitchen and then the rest with dad doing chores. It's not like a farm goes on holidays. My dad says that farmers are the only people who never take a holiday. Come to think of it, my dad has never taken one as far as I can remember. We celebrate but we still have to feed the animals and milk the cows.

I didn't talk to Lex at all today. He didn't stop by, not that I thought he would, but I guess I was hoping. I thought about asking mom if I could invite him, but then stupid me remembered he already has houseguests.

It's so hard when I'm alone, and I have too much time to think about things. Remember before I said I have a perfect memory; it isn't helping. I keep thinking of the things Lex and I did. I want so badly to just forget them. It just hurts too much.

I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

 

28 November @ 08:23 pm

Pete just left. He totally filled up on pie.

We hung out in the loft, and talked a bit about dating. He hasn't really done any since Jody. I told him that maybe he should consider trying to get his life back to normal. I hadn't seen him in a while outside of school so I thought it was odd that he wasn't going out on his usual dates with his 'female friends.' 

I didn't want to push him, but he said he couldn't stop thinking about her. I understood how he felt. Sometimes it's better to just try to put things back to the way they were or as close to the way they were. I'm not sure if he agreed with me but I think he'll give it a try. 

After the heavy talk which really only lasted about ten minutes we went out to shoot some hoops. I lost two out of the three games we played, but I had a great time. It was nice to have him over. He talked a lot about all his relatives which was cool since I have no idea what that is like.

We've promised to hang out together more. 

He teased me about Lana, which frankly I just let him do since it doesn't hurt him to not know what's really going on. It's not like I feel that way about her so I really didn't feel the need to get into it. Since I have the whole weekend to myself I'm planning on doing some of the heavy work that dad has been getting on me to do. Yeah! Fence-building. You'd think once you built the fence that it's over, but no way. They just seem to need repairs every time I turn my back.

My mom and dad want me to stay inside tonight with them. They're acting weird. I have no idea what it's about. Maybe they're just feeling all thankful etc. I don't think my mom told my dad about me. My dad didn't say anything, he just told me how he's happy to have me as a son, and how proud he is of me. I think I should really worry. My dad hardly ever gets mushy.

 

30 November @ 01:11 am

I wish that I could write. I wish that I had some kind of inspiration. I want to be good at something. I wish I knew how. I think I try, and then other days I think that maybe I should try harder, but I don't know how. I know somewhere in my head there is the knowledge of how. I want to believe that other people out there feel the same way so that I know I'm not alone.

I know this will never be true. I am alone.

@ 11:05 pm

I didn't realize how tired I was until I sat down. I spent the day trying to tire myself out. Felt like if I stopped, I'd never be able to start again. 

My mom chased me away after the tenth time of me asking if she needed my help. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to be somebody she could count on. Only that isn't true. It's other people who I wish could rely on me. 

I've had a lot of time to think about things this weekend. It's all I've had: time. My body aches, and itches to be somewhere else. A hundred times a day the differences I know are mine display themselves. I choke on them, and wish they would just go away.

My dad told me today that no matter what I'm going through he and mom are there for me. I would be worried except he says this every time he notices me 'moping'.

I tried not to think about Lex, but it was an exercise in futility. I know for sure there is no way I will ever tell my dad. I can't do it. I don't even care about anything else, but what he'd do to Lex if dad knew. 

When I made that joke about telling dad at the dinner table to Lex, I realized after what I had said. 

I think back to the expression on Lex's face, and realize only now that the words must have cut deep. I have never been a cruel person. I have never intentionally hurt anybody, and yet I've done it to Lex a few times now with venomous words.

I spent almost all day being ashamed of myself for being so cruel and callous. 

Lex deserves better, even if it is a woman who he doesn't love.


End file.
